Happy Trails to You

Today was officially my last day of work - I was assisting on events as needed as my boss is looking for a replacement - so I sent out the officical "goodbye" email. I considered not sharing on my blog because I didn't want it to seem insincere, but it's a memory for me. So here goes...

"I know I’ve sort of kind of been gone already for a month, but as I’m finally officially leaving I couldn’t very well leave without emailing any sort of goodbye. Although I know I’ve made the right choice, and I’m blessed and excited to have time to spend with my babies, this change and transition is intimidating as all hell and I know that I’ll miss this place. I can’t do individual thank yous, because it will wreck me (and conveniently nobody is actually here today) so I wanted to sum it up in a way that will likely not make sense to anyone… but here’s hoping:

It was a pretty fantastic thing when a line from my favorite movie was mentioned in one of my favorite TV show years ago. Young Dawson was troubled because there were too many changes coming up and it was intimidating, so his girlfriend explains that the part everyone remembers about the Wizard of Oz doesn’t resonate with the rest of the movie. Everyone remembers the line “there’s no place like home” but forgets that home is a gray, dust-bowl of a place where an old lady was trying to kill your dog. Oz on the other hand is Technicolor and along the way you make friends. There are these people you never knew existed growing up. Straw people, tin people and lions – and throughout the shared journey you help each other realize that the things you want to be, you already are.

I basically just moved to Cleveland when I got this job, and like the chapter now before me, it was intimidating. But I made friends… so, thank you for being my straw people, tin people and lions. Working for the Cavaliers has been phenomenal opportunity – but I know the reason I loved this job so much wasn’t the day to day but the people who filled it. Please keep in touch, I plan to."

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, Timeout!

Bella loves singing happy birthday to Baby Jesus before we had my family's tradition of coffee cake breakfast. It's all super sweet and melts your heart, but my favorite part is when she goes to hit the high notes, it's so cute!

Then we had a talk about where Baby Jesus from the nativity set was, because he spent a lot of the Christmas season missing. Turns out he was currently in timeout, again. He was missing for over a week at the beginning on the month for touching the Christmas tree, and apparently on Christmas Day he had done it again. tsk tsk.

here, Joseph and the three wisemen had to have been up to something because after Bella went to bed we found them all in trouble. Timeout!

Feliz Natal!

I love that we've had the opportunity to go see the same Santa with Bella so we can watch her grow with each consecutive year. and now we watch as our family grows long with St. Nick as well! It certainly adds to it that this is hands down the best Santa I've seen - and he's legitimately great with the babies. Miracle on 34th Street anyone?

2010 - Bella 2 1/2 years, Austin 9 months

2009 - Bella 18 months

2008 - Bella 7 months

MeRrY ChRiStMaS!

Moving Pictures

This post, like many to follow, is long overdue. in the late summer I saw previews for "Tangled" and was so excited knowing immediately that this would be the first movie I took Bella to. Our first mommy/daughter date night! The movie was scheduled to be released in the middle of November so I bought a couple of the Rapunzel books and the doll thinking that if she was at least familiar with the characters and the story, she'd stand a chance to actually sit through the movie. I waited until the day before to bribe her for good behavior with promises of the "Punzel mobie". She was simply angelic those next 24 hours. So the day it was released we bought tickets for the regular screening (I knew it'd be expecting way too much for her to keep the 3D glasses on) bundled up and headed out for our big afternoon complete with a lunch and the movie.

She. did. amazing. She was giddy the entire lunch but settled pretty quickly and quietly into her seat once we got to the theater. (note to self for the future: toddler's aren't heavy enough to keep the fold-down seats down, it literally swallowed her up - much to her laughter - every time I took my foot or hand off her chair, so I need to bring a booster seat next time.) Bell was completely enamored the entire time, not so much as cracking a smile at the funny parts because she was watching too intently. In fact, each time the three teenagers next to us would laugh she would turn her body but not her eyes and "shhhh" them, it was hilarious! It wasn't until the very end of the movie when the hero is riding through the castle to save the princess that Bella started crying... so I just walked her to the aisle and we watched the rest of the movie spinning in circles so she wouldn't see the brief moments I thought may scare her. I have to say, Disney didn't disappoint at all, it was a fantastic movie! Even without the excitement of watching it with Bella, I really enjoyed the entire thing and can't wait to buy it when it's released on DVD.

When the movie ended she was in such a good mood jibbering on and on to whoever we passed on the way back to the car showing them her Rapunzel doll she brought with her from home and telling them as much about the movie as they'd patiently wait and listen to. AND as the bragging mom I couldn't help my chest from swelling a little with pride each time we were stopped and received comments about how cute she was with her curly hair and doll in hand. It was easily one of my favorite moments with her and I look forward to more special moments and memories as she's getting older. That girl, she lights up my life, quite literally.

getting ready to go...

enjoying a quick bite before the movie...

Bella's first movie? check.

"Ten Things from 2010" Photo Edition

Our Christmas family newsletter (yes, I'm one of those) but complete with pictures...

1. On March 19th Austin Lee was born at 8 lbs 8 oz and 20 inches. The newest addition to our little family quickly filled a void we didn’t know was missing and we’ve settled fairly seamlessly into a family of four.


2. Bella is a fantastic big sister to Austin – she simply loves to love on him. She's so proud of her ability to trap his attention and he's more than content giving it to her.


3. Justin and I celebrated five years of marriage with a weekend trip to Chicago. Joined by my sister, Andrea, and brother-in-law we went on a boat tour, caught a game at Wrigley Field, ate deep-dish pizza, went to the top of Sear’s Tower and spent time on Magnificent Mile shopping. No one could tell we were tourists I’m sure.


4. Bella’s vocabulary increased abundantly and we are the receiving end of her hilarious, rambunctious and independent spirit that’s newly evident through words and phrases she’s learned.

okay, no picture for this, but you can watch her sing "bringing home a bumblebee" here

5. Austin has smiled throughout each and every day he’s been alive and has blessed us with every single one of them. It’s not uncommon to get stopped when we go out from people commenting on his smile.

6. We were blessed and thankful for the opportunity to give the Lord what is His in September when we dedicated Austin at church. It was one of the first moments of truly relinquishing ownership of our child and recognizing that he is the Lord's.

((no photos of this one but the video of his dedication is here!))

7. Because we didn’t have enough on our plates, we put our house on the market two days after Austin was born. We’ve had multiple open houses and a few showings but no love from buyers. If you know someone looking, tell them to buy our house. but seriously…

this was taken the day we bought our house in March 2005

8. Acquiring the attention span to (almost) watch a full-length movie, Bell’s love of Disney Princesses has increased despite Justin’s best efforts. fine, despite mine too.

9. Bella and Dana recently enrolled in Mommy and Me gymnastics (or to Bella: “doodastics”) and it’s become the perfect outlet for her extra energy. She loves it and I love watching her obvious pride of the new tricks she learns weekly.


10. In the middle of November I left the Cleveland Cavaliers and took my talents south to Olmsted Falls, officially becoming a stay-at-home mom. A month later we’re still in the process of adapting to one another on a fulltime basis, but I’m already sure the right decision was made!

Just Another Day in the Office

Wordless Wednesday

trading this... for this...
I'm okay with it!

Me and Mama Brady

It’s been a week now since I’ve made one of the bigger decisions I’ve made to date… a choice that will affect every member of our little family. It was a pretty tough choice to make, one that I’m still secretly nervous may not end up being entirely the right choice for me personally, but I’m completely certain is the best option for my family, so ultimately it was a decision I’m happy to make. Starting November 18th I will officially be a stay at home mom.

I know this is a dream for many women to be in a place where they can afford to live on one income – we will certainly be cutting back, but thankfully are able to live solely on Justin’s salary – but personally, being a working mom has always been a pretty great dynamic for me. I worked extremely hard to make sure I could achieve my goal to work in sports and entertainment… an opportunity I knew would be hard to come by. I chased down a competitive internship at USA Basketball and applied relentlessly until my resume was finally picked up by the Cleveland Cavaliers. I landed my dream job when I was just 23 years-old and have been incredibly blessed by the opportunities I’ve had here. That’s what makes this hardest, I’ve really enjoyed what I do – and challenged myself to grow a entry level position of a coordinator to a manager.

All that said, I’m not lost under rose-colored glasses. The pay in sports is hardly anything to write home about (believe me, the professional athletes make the dollar bills, not the team behind the team – not that the Cavs are unfair, it’s like this across the board until you’re really high up and I’m not at a place where I want to dedicate myself to climbing the corporate ladder). So when you’re paying to put two kids in day care fulltime, it’s practically a wash. The hours are anything but traditional or consistent during the season, and I had it better than most.

A couple weeks ago I worked 50 hours by the end of the day on Thursday and I still had all of Friday and a quick trip back to work for a couple hours over the weekend. It was clear that it was too much for me at this point. Justin’s off work for over an hour before I get home every day as it is, so tag on the nights and early mornings I’d have to work and I can literally go days without seeing my babies for more than a kiss goodnight. These years are too short to continue down this road.

I’m not sure this is my future as a stay-at-home. I hope in the next couple years I’ll go back to school for a masters in counseling so I’ll have the same hours as my kids, and I can use some of the gifts God’s given me in an area I’ve felt called to since high school. I’m more than nervous that I’m never going to find a good network of other moms in Cleveland… I have this fear that all that’s out there are teacher-sweater moms (the ones that wear sweater vests with appliqués and poms way prematurely) and that finding new relatable mommy friends will be harder to find than a husband, but I’m up for the challenge. Not succeeding at this is simply not an option.

not a care in the world

Wordless Wednesday
just a tease from our family photo shoot last week!

Reading Rainbow

Wordless Wednesday

In Jesus Name, amen.

Bella's bedtime routine consists of a few books, a couple songs, a rhyme to turn the lights out and usually ends with a prayer... we just recently started praying out loud with her, but I figure it's a good habit for her to start and I have hopes that she'll be better at it and more diligent than I.

I'm not sure she really understands at this point, but it still made my eyes tear up when she didn't wait for me to say something for her to recite and she started on her own with "thank you for Daddy, thank you for Mommy, thank you for Baby Austin". Especially the way she sings when she speaks quietly, it completely melted my heart.

Outside Looking In

Worldess Wednesday

my sister with my nephew Isaiah.
Especially as a mom, she inspires me.

Ghost Writer

Does anyone else remember that show? It was on PBS I think and was basically awesome. I'm seriously considering walking around with a pen tied 'round my neck like they did... anything to help my new occupation.

I'm branching out at work to find new ways to cover some of the Cavs community relations initiatives and thought to bring my passion for blogging to the mix... check it out to read about this truly awesome event we did with Flashes of Hope Wednesday night. The team participated in it last year as well, and it is by far my favorite event. I'd really like to volunteer with this organization in the future, such a fantastic thing they do for pediatric cancer patients. If you want to learn more about Flashes of Hope you can check it out here, and make sure you watch one of their videos with tissue near by. I haven't made it through one yet.

First Meal

At Austin's four-month check up his pediatrician suggested we start him on rice cereal in the upcoming month. false. I wasn't ready for him to be old enough to be able to eat, and I was still breastfeeding and wasn't interested in any chomping confusion. Too much information boys, sorry! Two months later the well dried up so I was ready to try the rice cereal. I kept the box in the cupboard for two weeks and just recently we sat down to kiss Austin's days of being an itty bitty baby behind us. (lets be honest, this kid was never itty bitty, but you know...)


We're getting ready to take some six-month pictures this weekend and I'll post those along with some updates how he's doing and what he's up to, but for now I wanted to share the video of him eating for the first time. You can see how exhausting it can be having such a smiley baby all the time... love him!

She's My Favorite Smile

Wordless Wednesday

This idea for Wordless Wednesday is not mine, I saw it first on Becky Young's page (I silently stalked it when I was looking at my girlfriend's pregnancy portraits - beautiful by the way Jenn! I absolutely love the one she picked for her Wordless Wednesday today) and I see that it seems to be a trend a few bloggers are doing. Hello Bandwagon, I will be joining you.

I am restless

Rarely do I win contests or prizes or giveaways – more often than not I’m the 1 of X,XXX that gets hit by a semi-truck twice or has been on not one, but two planes that were grounded for basically falling apart in flight and a fire truck followed them on the runway to the airport. I won’t win a free car, but I will be one of three that suffers a miscarriage. Turned heavy quickly, sorry. It usually does.

For years I’ve struggled with this ridiculous concept of being content. I can list every reason I have to be blessed – and I’m telling you that list is long but that pesky horizon is always in the distance and I want to know NOW what’s waiting with it. I’m simply not interested in patience. As you can imagine my time spent in prayer (or extremely unfortunately, it’s far too long been a life without it) is much the same. I can’t be still or silent. I can’t quiet my head or my heart enough to just BE with Him. I am restless in every way, in every aspect of my life. I. am. not. still.

A few months ago I entered to win Audrey Assad’s new CD ‘The House You’re Building’ from my friend Jenn and actually won! I can’t tell you how excited I was about it, not only because for once I actually won something, but because I am always on the lookout for a new Christian artist’s CD I can wear out at work and on my drive to work. I can’t recommend her album enough – I love every song on it. There’s one in particular that stops me every time and is an automatic repeat. The first time I heard it on the drive to work I was in tears because I feel like she looked into my heart and was able to say what I’ve been unable put together with an effectively simple plea that’s been on my lips for years.

So, at a point in my life where I feel lost and confused and frustrated because doors are constantly being opened and closed and windows cracked just enough to consider, and I just want direction and concrete answers instead of a revolving door, I’m going to take five minutes every day and sit still in my room with this song in my headphones and rest in Him and trust in Him. He has never forsaken me and will guard my heart if I can manage to give it to Him. Lord, still my heart. Hold me close. Without you I am hopeless. Show me who you are.

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You

Be still and know that I am God. –Psalm 46:10

Dear Morfar,

My Morfar (it’s grandfather in Swedish – by the way I’ve always loved that I have a special name for my Mormor and Morfar. something exclusive for me and my cousins with these two incredibly special people). start over… My Morfar is turning 90 years old and unfortunately I’m unable to attend the pseudo family reunion they’re having in Coeur d’Alene, ID to celebrate him.

I was thinking of a gift I could give my Morfar, something that would be appropriate for this wonderful man, and I came up short. Instead I thought about gifts he and Mormor have given me. Every Christmas growing up all the kids would wait anxiously until everyone was home so we could open the package from Post Falls. Immediately after the tape was cut, four heads would simultaneously lean in to smell the distinctive sweet scent of Morfar’s workshop in their basement. We were so excited to see what ornament they sent for each of us (our Christmas tree now is littered with ornaments with my name on them – and accessorized by a couple of Bell’s ornaments because we copied their tradition and get her one a year).

There was a purpose to this post, more than my favorite memories of my Morfar. Start over… because I couldn’t think of a gift good enough for Morfar, I thought about gifts my Morfar gave me – and it didn’t take long to come up with the best one.

I saw this video on a friend’s blog a little bit ago, and while a good amount of it was completely relatable to Justin and I, I couldn’t help but think of my Mormor and Morfar. They’ve celebrated well over 50 years of marriage, five children, 12 grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. They’ve given us a legacy. They’ve set an example for all 24 of us of a solid Christian marriage that has withstood decades. I don’t get to see them often but when I’m able to spend time with them I watch them take care of each other and delight in the company of their family. I’m unable to put into words how helpful it is to be early in my marriage and have that example from my grandparents.

the actual fantasic music video is here - unfortunately they won't let you embed it. nuts.

So, Morfar, on your 90th birthday I have nothing to send other than my love, thoughts and very sincere thanks for the example you have set for me. I wish I could be there, and look forward to the chance to introduce you and Mormor to Austin, and have Bella make memories spending time with you. I love you and remain always, your Dana.

Plays Well With Others

When I was pregnant we were constantly asked how we thought Bella would be as a big sister. We quickly told them our "push 'em or pet 'em" theory - pretty self explanatory - I had no idea how she'd react... she's always been really good with animals and very cuddly, but when my niece and nephew were visiting I had Isaiah in my lap and Bella literally crawled up and tried to push him off. The question has developed into how she is as big sister. We couldn't be more proud and happy how she's reacting to Austin and how he, in turn, responds to her. She loves to love on him. She completely lights up when he laughs or watches her as she reads, or sings her songs or plays with her. She's so proud of her ability to trap his attention, and he's so content having her attention. I quite literally pray constantly that they stay confidants and friends - I tell her to be kind and always love him and I'm already telling him to look out for her and love and protect her.

when I bring Austin down in the morning to join Bella and Justin,
she insists he sits right next to her so she can hold him.

this was is fantastic - couldn't have posed it better if I tried (but totally didn't)

...occasionally she wants to try to feed him, not so effective, but really cute.

I caught this when they weren't paying attention to anyone other than each other.

LOVE it.

((that's it Jenn, I'm committing to a blog re-design. my videos don't fit anymore!))

To Jesus, with care.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord; for his whole life he will be given to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28.

We dedicated Austin at church this morning. I am so blessed and thankful for the opportunity to give the Lord what is His. We were surrounded by a small group of friends and family that gathered to support us and Austin. It was such a special moment - one of the first of truly relinquishing ownership of my child and recognizing that he is the Lord's. We are blessed with the ridiculous pressure to raise him and Bella in a way that encourages them and prepares them to be servant leaders.

We were challenged the other week at church to find life verses for each of our kids... pressure! I don't have one yet, I want to pick something that I think will challenge each and play to the strengths in their personalities that are already coming through. Austin's would use his tender heart and joy he brings everyone around him. Bella's would be about her ability to reach people and bring them together with her humor and personality. and something in leadership, her fierce independent personality will certainly aid to that.

meu irmão

Over the last few years I have become especially grateful for my brother-in-law Alex. When this 6'7" Brazilian gentle giant married my sister Andrea three years ago she and I had a... difficult relationship. Things have since smoothed over between us, in part I believe, to Alex. Not once did I feel judgement or disapproval as as we mended bridges. He and Justin kept an appropriate distance and didn't hold it against us for hurting each other in the past. Alex and I have developed a friendship and he's more like family to me than some of, well, my family. When he answers my calls he greets me not by name, but as "sister" and I can't remember the last time I answered his call by anything by "brother".

Recently I received some sad news from Andrea - Alex's mom passed away at the beginning of the week and they were on their way to Brazil for the funeral. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to meet her, she was unable to attend their wedding, but I sort of feel like I knew her if for no other reason than knowing her son.

I know she must have been kind because Alex is quite literally one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure to know. He seems to have this outlook on life that I'm envious of. I know he's been stressed and I've seen him angry, but I've never seen him mean - he keeps it all in perspective. He's extremely generous and gracious and good.

I know she must have been loving because Alex loves fiercely, especially when it comes to his family. I so admire how protective he is of my sister and has an obvious desire to protect her and provide for her. In the little bit that I get to spend time with their whole family, I've seen how proud he is of his children in the way he interacts with them... his smile beaming and infectious.

I know she must have known Jesus because Alex has faith and wants to be a Spiritual Leader to Andrea, Lili and Isaiah. He's heard and heeds the call to be Christ-like. He believes in people and emulates instruction to love others as Christ loves us.

So, while I may not have met his mom, I'm extremely grateful for her and for the son she raised and the husband he is for my sister and the father he is to my niece and nephew and the brother he's become to me and Justin. I love you Alex, and am keeping your family in my prayers.

ready or not...

This is how I found Bella this morning during hide-and-seek...

she really committed to her hiding place!

Seriously, I love this girl so much. She's hilarious and a little bit crazy!

Singing Bee

I know I need a post that consists of more than a picture or video - but for now I leave you with Bella singing "bringing home a baby bumblebee". she's obsessed with this song, she sings it over and over and over again! Justin and I aren't even almost sick of hearing it either, she's just so cute and precious and reminds us how blessed we are to get to spend every day with her!


we took this on my phone so unfortunately the quality isn't great.

My Little Patriot

Happy 4th of July!

Oh Lili!

a text from Andrea today: "Lili just ate something she wasn't supposed to and she blamed it on Austin! I told her that's not going to work until he's at least in the same state..."

I love, love, love that girl!

Nose to the Grindstone

Something’s come over me, I’m turning into a crazy lady. I don’t recognize this person that starts to sweat a little when she pulls up to day care. My first day back at work was Monday, but since Bella’s been out of day care for three months, and will be going back in a different classroom, she went for a couple half days as a “transition”. I was nervous about her panicking and being clingy when I dropped her off since she’s been home with me so long and it turned out to be one of the few times I was nervous for good reason.

The first day she was hugging my leg and I had to walk with what had to look like the world’s worst limp as I literally dragged my leg and Bella into the playroom. She was timid for a bit but as soon as she saw the slide she seemingly forgot who I was and I was able to slip out without any big fuss, tears or major meltdown. Again, that was the first day. The next couple days I was walking with a different kind of limp, one that was more of a balancing act because Bella had to be held, she apparently lost all ability to walk. I had to walk upstairs with Bella perched precariously on my left hip while Austin swung in his car seat in my right arm. not an easy feat.

I still choke up a little when I think of the new classroom she’s in… because it’s summer and their toddler registration isn’t high (a lot of teachers keeping their kids home with them I’m guessing) she’s moving up another classroom and is now in the room for three year-olds. There’s a big difference between two and three… they were all going about their business like little people. My baby really isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a toddler – a person. what the heck?!

Dreams that Monday morning would go smoothly were quickly dashed as soon as we pulled up to the building and Bella realized she was going back to school (yes I call it school, what good mother doesn’t send her daughter to school?!). She started crying before I even got her out of the car and didn’t cease fire until I had her in their room, at which point crying turned into screaming. bloody murder. She was completely hysterical, something she’s never really done before. She was screaming so bad, I had to scold her to stop and take deep breaths. The last thing I did with her before leaving her was scold her (feel my heart breaking a little at this thought).

Austin was a cheerful baby as per usual, being a total champ through the whole ordeal. His teacher held him happily while I told her the few secrets needed to keep him his charming self and I didn’t realize I kept brushing his arm and kissing his cheek until she asked if I’d like to hug him goodbye. The second he was in my arms the tears crept up and despite my best efforts, they fell down my face as I gave him one final kiss goodbye for the day. I didn’t see that coming at all because I didn’t cry when I dropped off Bella when she was an infant on her first day… plus, it was kind of humiliating because even wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hate when people see me cry.

On my way out of the building I snuck by Bell’s class to see if she had calmed down at all only to see her sitting by herself against the wall, pacifier in mouth and tears welled watching the other kids playing and laughing (feel my heart breaking again - probably in half). I sat in my car and gathered myself, only to lose it as soon as I turned out of the parking lot for the drive into work. I’m actually a little flabbergasted what the heck is going on, I truly enjoy being a working mom. I know that I’m not going to be at my best for my kids as a stay-at-home, because I don’t have the network here not to lose my mind a little.

This wasn't the plan, but much of my life doesn't go according to plan. The controller that I am always has a backup plan, at least a Plan B and it's not uncommon for a Plan C to be tucked in my back pocket. This time, however, I decided to forgo any backup plan... I figured if I didn't have a backup then surely I'd get my first choice and the Rocky Mountains would be more than a photograph on our wall. foolish. The final two weeks of maternity leave consisted of frantically confirming day care, looking for work clothes that fit and trying to get my baby brain to focus a little. Stupid Plan B, why do you always win?? It's really not all bad not getting my way - it's been really nice to see my friends (who have become like family) at work and even if it's in the form of a press release, I'm happy to be writing again. So, if life mirrored the script I've got running in my head it would be panning out a little differently, but I'm determined to make the best of it (at least I tell myself I am in hopes my head wins over my heart this time).

Love Me My Children

perhaps a real post to come soon... for now I wanted to share some vidoes of the babies since my aunt has questioned their existence with my lack of posts lately, especially with my obvious bragging rights and responsibilities! :)

I was trying to get Austin smiling - he is the smiliest baby ever - until Bella attempted to steal the spot light. I had to give her some face time too because this girl is just hilarious with the games she plays and makes up.

Justin and I showed her how to do a cartwheel, she's probably going to be an Olympic gymnast and they'll use this in a montage of her childhood. not that I'm scripting anything...

Morning Sunshine!

a picture from our trip to Loveland - she cracks me up!

No Slack on the Track

I’m not sure I’ve ever gone this long between posts, but I haven’t completely wanted to write. It’s been a month but I’m not able to write much about it because, however much they affect me, they’re not my stories to tell. While there have been some fun and funny stories to share (including Bella’s birthday party, a couple trips a visit from Emily, and Austin’s ever-growing gassy self) I can’t write all of it and I can't just write the rosy stuff without feeling like the keystrokes are insincere. I need to just find a way to let go of some things that weigh down my heart and that’s been a lifelong battle… *sigh*

BUT there’s something to pull me out of my blogger’s slump – Andrea’s birthday is today and she deserves to know she’s thought of and loved so this one goes out to you Sissy!

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Every time I hear this song on the radio I stop what I’m doing, turn it up and sing along. Seriously, every time to a fault, even if I’m mid-conversation with Justin. But I know you know this because your voicemail box has been littered with messages from me singing to you. If I’m in the passenger seat don’t put it past me to dance along, although it’s just one half of the dance so it’s never as good as it was for our performances, but I think of you and even years ago when we weren’t so friendly, it made me smile.

I can remember vividly making up the dance, all the stellar choreography complete with handstands, acrobats, and the worm and it. was. awesome. I remember practicing in the Baratta’s basement to really wow the crowd for the culmination of the mini talent show. We never felt the need to change it up or make a new dance for the two of us, because why mess up a good thing?! I wanted to dance with you to this song at my wedding, and then was hoping to convince you to break it out at yours…. so now I figure that’s what our daughter’s weddings will be for!

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrows
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow

My first memory of you you were two years-old and Will and I were at the gumball machine at King Soopers. I’m not sure what happened, likely we didn’t share or teased you for following us, but you stood there defiantly like you didn’t care (even though your bottom lip quivered and you so obviously did) and you threatened us boldly that one day we’d be two again, and you’d show us what it feels like. my takeaway from this… at least I was smarter than you until you turned three!

There’s also the home video of you running out of our shared bedroom crying and tattling on Will and I for not letting you play the 3 Little Pigs with us unless you were the Big Bad Wolf but you didn’t want to be the wolf and we were so completely unfair. There’s so much irony laced in that now, it seems like it should be funny. It wasn’t always me against you though, when we joined forces we were something to be reckoned with… or at least our super hero Barbies were as they took flight tied to the fan above our bunk beds.

Please, swallow your pride

If I have things that you need to borrow

For, no one can fill those of your needs

If you won't let them show

I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that even now I still secretly sort of (completely) love when we’re around people that don’t see us together often and they gush about how similar we look. And as annoying as it was in middle school and high school when people would automatically assume you were older once they found out we weren’t twins, regardless the tiptoes I was standing on trying to be a little taller, I kind of loved that too because it was our thing. just yours and mine. It was an inside joke, a look between us when we knew the comments and questions were coming.

You just call on your brother when you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have some problems that you'd understand

We all need somebody to lean on

Through the ups and downs of our relationship, I am so happy to be where we are now as friends and confidants. It’s truly been a lifesaver. and I’m so excited to watch our children grow up and become close friends, even if they’re separated by five states and the entire Midwest, or all of Central America. I’m confident they’ll be close because of the friendship that you and I have developed as we've each embarked on this ridiculous journey of being an “adult”. and I must tell you, I'm much better off for that friendship. Happy Birthday Andrea!

we welcome with love...

Austin is five weeks old now - I keep meaning to post his birth story, and the time keeps passing. I will get it online soon, but not today. I want to share all the nuances that he has and the little personality traits that shine through already, but not today. Today, I'm exhausted again.

She's Going the Distance...

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time... I took a mandatory hiatus from working out during the pregnancy, but am now ready to very likely embarrass myself and throw myself under the bus. Now, to make a short story way too long - I ran track for 10 years from middle school through college, but I hate running. I mean hate it - abhor, loathe, despise, detest and scorn running (thank you dictionary.com!). True story: the initial reason I became a pole vaulter was to avoid a hard running workout the sprinters were doing that day. I saw the pole vaulters only had to take 14 steps before the attempt, and throwing myself over a bar 8+ feet in the air was a small price to pay to only have to take 14 steps and avoid the awful workouts.

So, with all this in mind - I'm putting it in writing, telling the world (or at least the few people reading this) and committing to run a half marathon. The ideal race that I'm striving for isn't until next February, so I have plenty of time to work up to it, is the San Blas Half Marathon - IN PUERTO RICO! haha, Justin makes fun of me since the only way to get me to commit to the crazy of 13.1 miles is to take me to Puerto Rico to do it! -plus I know it's going to be the best way to lose the baby weight and tone all the body parts that now rival cottage cheese.

My parents were planning on going to Puerto Rico in February with my grandma for this marathon anyway, so now we're going to try to crash it and actually run. My grandma goes every year to watch with her family whose house is on the race route and they all sit around, drink rum and spray all the runners with the water hose. The entire race is one giant party (1,000 runners and 250,000 spectators!) so Justin, my sister Andrea and I will hopefully be going to join the party and give them someone specifically to cheer for! Nothing's guaranteed though, because apparently it costs a few dollars to get there, but that's the goal. plus, I've already decided shirts Andrea and I will wear if it works out. Nerd Alert - that's fine.

I got started with my training today - I stretched, strapped on the iPod, panicked and then hit the road with Justin and the babies...

BEFORE:

AFTER:

yep, this should be no problem at all...

My First Book Club

...and it's online, go figure! I came across this website and initially got excited about at least finding some good reads/studys that would be thought provoking but I think I'm going to try to actively participate as well. Truthfully seems a little weird to be doing this all virtually with strangers, but kind of adds a cool element to it as well, and if nothing else, will hopefully keep me accountable to reading it and reflecting on it. After reading the title of this book alone I knew I wanted to read it. Here's hoping this doesn't turn out to be another opportunity for me to contribute to the Christianese economy by purchasing another bible study or book that goes unread after two chapters... snap.

so, now I ask... any of you want to join me?? I ordered my copy from half.com
if you're interested jump on it, it starts in a couple weeks!

juggling life. no seriously.

disclaimer: this is a lot of juggling and you'll never get these minutes back... but if you have time you can catch a little glimpse of daily life with us. I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired but moments like this and hearing her laugh over and over make it completely worth it. seriously, this girl brings us so much joy, we are extremely blessed!

don't judge me for my circus singing - for some reason it's not funny without it. wait, maybe that's what really makes it funny. crap.

After 20 times I finally had to sneak away so Bell thougt she'd pick up my slack...

LOVE her singing, she's awesome!

timeline of distraction

While it may seem like it goes without saying - while I'm home on maternity leave I'm determined to not only survive, but thrive as a stay at home mom, however temporary it may or may not be. Truthfully it's a pretty lofty goal because it's not my nature to cook or clean. or keep a house. Today has been my first official day by myself (my mom was here for almost two weeks and then my dad came the day after my mom left for a week). While my mom was visiting she made a really good chicken stew that even Justin liked, despite the fact that *gasp* it had vegetables in it, so I decided to give it a try during Bella’s nap...

1. Open chicken broth cans and figure out what the frick buillion is
1a. Spend 20 minutes like Indiana Jones searching for the right pot in the garage

2. Start carving the meat off the roasted chicken and quickly realize it’s much more effective to just rip it apart, discover it’s a stress reducer too!
2a. Pause because Austin woke up from his nap and needs to be fed
2b. Play Indiana Jones again looking for Austin’s bouncer in the garage
2c. Put Bella back to bed and make mental note to get one of those baby locks for her door

3. Finish cutting the chicken, start cutting the celery
3a. Admit defeat to Bella and call naptime 90 minutes early
3b. Empty the pantry for snacktime, the girl can put some food away!

4. Finish the celery, quickly empty some frozen corn into the pot, feverishly try to cut some carrots before the next interrupt...
4a. Dance with Bella
4b. Continue with the carrots
4c. Dance Bella downstairs for some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse so I can finish

5. Finish the carrots, call Pops and ask if the ginormous veggie is indeed a leek
5a. Decide against the leek (wtf?!) and prepare to cut the potatoes
5b. Notice Austin has exploded from both ends while in his bouncer
5c. Cry a little
5d. Impromptu bath time - Austin cries a lot
5e. Notice Bella’s fallen asleep during Mickey Mouse, send up a quick “thank you”

6. Peel and cut the potatoes, turn the burner on and get the stew going
6a. Take a minute to myself to get back to blogging so I feel like me again
6b. Realize the “soft boil” I was supposed to bring it to is now like a raging hot tub - meh

SO needless to say, this won’t come naturally… not sure that was supposed to take three hours, but I’ll be alright. I can handle this. at least here’s hoping!

Making His Arrival

Austin Lee

8 lbs 8 oz 20"

until next time

Today is my last day of work before B2's arrival. (I was so sure he was going to be early, but apparently, once again I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I was.) It's kind of surreal because I feel like it's the last day of school - but no one else is clearing out their locker. It's pretty unceremonious, not that it should be any different or I have these crazy expectations, but it's just a little Twilight Zone for me right now... kind of like when I graduated college a semester early and the real graduation date was still five months away and I was the only one packed. just a little bizarre.

one of my girlfriends did make some really cute cookies though, which was really nice!I like the one that says Bella + ??? because apparently we need a name for him. We have two we're considering and I don't feel awesome about either. That's alright, I like the hourly visits from the Birth Certificate lady asking for updates... :)

in the meantime...

no new news on the baby front... I could have sworn today would be the day. I woke up and he's dropped even more and it feels like I'm carrying a bowling ball in my pelvis. The relatively constant feeling of misery aside, we're really trying to enjoy these last few days with Bella as a single child (even as the weekends are typically reserved for getting projects done around the house in preparation for a hopeful sale).

The weather's gotten a little nicer and she absolutely loves to go outside and play... J spends a lot of the hour while they wait for me to get home playing in the yard with her and Rocky and then we take her on walks with us. She likes to hold Rock's leash but it never works well for either party - even worse for Justin actually because he has to go chase him when she lets go! anyway, a few new favorites of Bella:

singing in the rain...

a born rebel. obviously.

a "shhh don't tell Mommy moment" at dinner when I was working:

early arrival? or TBD?

Okay, so nearly 24 hours later and I’m no less overwhelmed, but have to update with a quick thank you to all of you who immediately emailed, called or text to give words of encouragement and empathy assuring me I’m not the only one that feels this way sometimes. It’s just a rut I know, but I’ve been stuck here for awhile and need to be more aggressive to get myself out of this.

I do want to give an update on B2’s upcoming arrival – at my OB appointment we talked about a date to induce if he doesn’t come on his own, but I would be surprised if I made it more than another week… I think he’s ready! I’m already dilated 2.5 cm and 50% effaced and have contractions every day (just not close enough together to actually cause alarm). He’s dropped and I look like I’m carrying a watermelon under my shirt, no cute basketball anymore.

two weeks ago at 36 weeks

QUICK STORY: not even kidding when I was working at a Cavs game this week I was doing the sideshuffle through a row of empty seats during pregame and this lady in the row in front of me leans backwards to stretch out of nowhere and I completely hit her across the head with my stomach! She turned around to apologize but couldn’t get the words out when she realized what I had clearly hit her with… her eyes got really big and horrified, it was hilarious!

My doctor started going through the signs of labor with me and I realized I have no idea at all what to do. I know I’ve done this before, but I had an idea the whole time that Bell was going to be late, my body wasn’t cooperating and I accepted she was going to make her arrival on a day scheduled by the doctor. Not this guy, I think he’s going to do it on his own, which means I’m going to be in labor on my own, I won’t be at the hospital the whole time with nurses checking on me and explaining everything to me. How completely terrifying is that?! BUT – D Day, should I make it that far, is scheduled for Friday, March 19th – that’s nine days way folks. NINE! That means tomorrow it’s only eight days, and then seven. I’m not sure if you noticed the trend (and it’s not just that I’m phenomenal at math) but those are single digits!

YES mom, I realize that women are delivering babies in shambles in Chile and Haiti right now and women even did it on the Oregon Trail (but I played the game and they only mostly survive) I’m not downplaying the severity for others, but I'm panicking all the same!

A welcomed opportunity - something I can control and plan for: I’ve started putting my hospital bag together just in case and plan on finishing tonight, I’ve got Plans A and B in place for someone to take care of Bella, and I know what we’re bringing for Baby Boy, I just need to get it all put together. Justin, however, is pretty confident all he needs for the hospital is a bag of Oreos and a tshirt. He also packed a DVD player and watched the movie 300 last time… such a boy. He seems to think his new task for this year would be to find a movie as gory as 300 to usher in another beautiful miracle of life. I’m a lucky woman. haha!

opening the floodgates

I’m going to let yall in on a little secret – I’m kind of a little bit of a liar. maybe just a poser. Specifically, take my blog header: Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next… delicious ambiguity.” yeah. frickin. right.

I can’t tell you how far I am from loving the unknown and being excited to be in a whirlwind. I used to be there, I really was! I moved away from my entire family to go to college 2,000 miles away all by myself and was thrilled for the opportunity to strike out on my own and see what happened. It was terrifying, but the thought of not just taking the small step off the ledge into the unknown was scarier. I’m not sure what happened but I’m not that girl anymore, she’s lost somewhere.

I feel like every single aspect of my life is completely up in the air right now and I can’t handle it, at least not as well as I’d like. It’s not exciting, it’s annoying. I’m not trying to be all debbie downer but there’s opportunity for our lives to be shifted significantly in the next three or four months and instead of enjoying the ride until we get there, I really want a crystal ball just for a glimpse of what life entails in July. I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for thinking that way, not taking in every moment, finding joy or having faith.

We met with a realtor today to talk about selling the house, I had an appointment with my OB and picked a day to induce if he doesn’t make his appearance on his own, we figured finances for day care and if it may or may not work for me to work or try being a stay-at-home mom.

And if it’s God’s will to stay put and status quo will he magically give me the strength and community and network I need to not lose my identity? I think that’s my greatest fear, will I ever feel like “me” again? Bad mother of the year award = me. but it’s a real concern and I’m sick of going through the motions in so many aspects of my life and I’m starting with losing insincerity. In addition to all the unknown I don’t know how I’m going to do as a mother of two… this is the one thing that means the most to me, to do this well and I’m not sure what I’m doing. The most important thing and I don’t know what to do. and I hate not knowing. There’s not one thing delicious about that.

I’m really tempted to throw in a disclaimer that I’m not a horrible person or incapable of being excited and seeing the blessings for what they are in the upcoming month, but there are some other things weighing down my heart a little that I can’t share to avoid airing dirty laundry that isn’t mine. but like I said, no more motions as best as I can help it. here’s to seeing clearly soon, I need to get rid of the fog.

Don't Blink.

Star Light, Star Bright
First Star I See Tonight

I Wish I May

I Wish I Might

Have This Wish I Wish Tonight...

I miss my baby girl... what happened?!
They say they grow so quickly, but this is just absurd.

We made the move for Bell into a big girl bed and I have to say the girl was flawless! We are so ridiculously lucky how well she adapts to change, here's hoping that carries over when her little brother joins the family in a few short weeks...