will we stay or will we go now?

I’m not sure how to start this post, so I’m jumping in: Justin got a call out of the blue from a recruiter at a wind energy company in Colorado a couple weeks ago and had a phone interview with a group of executives in England last Thursday. He was told to expect to hear from them Friday or today regarding Round II and an interview in Colorado… now it’s today and we haven’t heard anything. I’m not sure what an anxiety attack feels like, but I feel like this has to be close to it.

Before I’m tagged dramatic – which I know I can be – this position is an answer to prayers across the board in terms of finally relocating back to Colorado, finances, vacation, maintaining awesome health care, a position Justin is legitimately excited about, etc. etc. so to have this golden carrot thrown in front of us out of nowhere and now the insecurity creeping in that he may not get the position and said carrot may be yanked away is just overwhelming.

About a month ago Justin and I were having a conversation and I mentioned how I was pretty content about living in Ohio for another year because there was little movement on our house that’s been for sale for over a year, and it’d been quiet on the job front. Joe (one of J’s best friends from high school) and Molly just moved back a couple weeks ago and they have a daughter a few months older than Austin, and are expecting their second about two months after Baby Gump. We’ve always enjoyed hanging out with them and were pretty stoked about sharing the same area code again. My closest girl friend had just accepted a new job in Cleveland, ensuring she wouldn’t be leaving any time soon, and the high chance that my sister moving from Colorado in the next several months all combined to an acceptance that this may be His plan for us for now – and that was okay.

To feel settled and planning for the near future, then get my hopes up so high and now the fear that a dream opportunity may not happen terrifies me because I’m not sure how I’m going to slip back into a place of contentment. I am so tired of feeling unsettled and feel like I’ll be helpless to it all over again. I know it sounds weak and pathetic. I’m aware and unhappy with myself for feeling it – but that’s honest.

I think possibly the very worst part of this is the clarity it’s giving me to my walk and faith, or lack there of. I know with 100% certainty that God has a plan for our family, and that His plan is better than I can imagine, but from the initial phone call this has felt like every time God directs my life once I’ve finally relented control. My junior year of college when I got a late phone call with an internship opportunity with USA Basketball after not getting multiple internships I’d interviewed for. The phone call from the Cavaliers with an offer for not just a job, but my dream job, in the months that I was working two jobs to contribute. Consistently He provides when I let go.

While at first I was confident, excited and thankful that this was His hand at work again – now the cloud of doubt has grown and I wonder if He’ll allow my heart to break to bring me closer. Or will He allow it to happen because… heartache happens and it’s just not His timing right now. He’s not a manipulative God, a mastermind moving game pieces at His discretion just for fun. But at this point I find myself second guessing and even asking others to pray for us joking that God would see right through me coming to Him for help when I’ve been so quiet lately, but really thinking “just maybe…” ugh, I feel so lame.

The thing is, even in the midst of insecurity, when I can remove the emotion and just think logically (which happens next to never) there’s not one part of me that can wrap my head around him NOT making it to the second round and then after they’ve met him, not hiring him. It’s completely a ludicrous thought. Unfortunately instead I feel like I’m standing in front of a giant wave that, if it hits me, will knock me backward and thrash me around a bit until I can somehow finally figure which way is up and surface for a deep breath.

I probably shouldn’t even share this post – my emotions are elevated, I’m hormonal and I feel like a crazy person. But it’s real and raw and I figure fair game.

Them are fighting words

Today I experienced a serious case of mama bear when I took Bella to a bounce house playroom. I was already at a disadvantage to the day when I forgot the umbrella stroller so had to carry Austin in the baby bjorn atop of my pregnant belly. (super comfortable… false.) Bean was doing really well, playing far more fearlessly than I thought she would, even trying games I thought she’d be far too little for.

She was in an actual bounce house really enjoying herself when she wasn’t being knocked over by an overly aggressive boy who must have had seven pixie sticks before coming. I told her when she got knocked down to just get up quickly and move to an area not as many kids were playing. It was working wonderfully until she was knocked down and pinned by a little girl in the middle of the mat. She didn’t cry but was obviously upset so when a group of boys bounced them and the girl was knocked off Bell tried to get up and move. Then the girl tackled her and pinned her by lying on her face – again.

The girl was no bigger than Bella but my girl wouldn’t fight back so she just laid there eyes locked with mine and an uncomfortable, confused and scared look on her face as this girl pinned her and kids bounced around her. I started yelling at the girl trying to get her attention and when she looked up I saw that she had Downs Syndrome – she smiled at me then placed her attention back to her task at hand, smothering my daughter. A little unsure what to do I looked around at the other moms watching their kids and demanded to know whose daughter the girl in pink was… nothing.

By this point Bella had managed to try to get up again after the girl fell off after a bad bounce, but was unable to get away prior to being knocked over and laid on again by Pink Lady. I was seriously pissed because Bella was starting to cry and get frantic so I started unsnapping Austin from the baby bjorn ready to climb in after her when Bell was finally able to get away after she fell off again.

Her mom finally came over and came up to me after getting her daughter out of the bounce house and asked me not if Bella was okay but what the problem was. Ummmm where do I start? So I explained what had happened and she blew it off excusing her daughter for not knowing what she was doing. Like hell she didn’t know what she was doing – she may not have known what she was doing was wrong, but that’s this mom’s fault. Instead I just told her she obviously needs to be keeping an eye on her kid more if she behaves aggressively and doesn’t know that it’s wrong. Not what the mom wanted to hear, not that I care, and she started to lay into me a little and I just walked away with Bella in hand. My blood was boiling for hours and I kept coming up with retorts I coulda/shoulda/woulda said… I know I’m better for not saying anything, but I came up with some good stuff!

I know that you shouldn't judge someone without walking a mile in their shoes, and I can't even imagine raising a child with additional obstancles to overcome... but it was especially frustrating because instead of making it a teaching moment she enabled it with quick excuses and I wonder how long she'll continue doing that and to what degree. You don't have to do as I do, but if you're not willing to teach your child right from wrong what does that set them up for? ugh.

Anyway, I’ve realized recently that I have to start legit parenting now… more than making sure they’re still breathing by each birthday. Bella was watching me as I talked to that other mom. I want her to know that I will always always have her back and support her, but I also need her to see me be kind to someone making me mad since I continuously tell her to be kind to others. I have to set an example, because her little eyes and ears are watching and retaining things now.

Pressure’s on.

Lets Make a Deal

I haven't written much about the process of trying to sell our house because it was a pseudo-secret for much of the time it was on the market the first time around... that's right, first time around which was a big discouraging fail. We're officially on Round II now and feel much better about it time around. We have a new realtor who seems to be aggressive about helping us sell this house. The whole process has been pretty bittersweet because we truly love our house and our huge yard, but it's unfortunately not in the preferred state, and my heart remains in Colorado. Honestly the best case scenario would be if we could just pick up our house (I'm super strong so it shouldn't be a problem) and move it to the mountains. Not so possible as it turns out so we'll be traditional if we must and try to sell it.

There are about fifty things that have been making this difficult... none of the least of the hurdles is the Ohio house market blows and it's practically impossible to sell your house to break even, let alone make money. We understand that what we may lose here, we can make up for when we buy our next house... but I'm a recent SAHM and we're just not in a place to lose money on the forefront. We decided to list the house for less this time around to garner more attention and the right buyers, but we will literally have extremely minimal wiggle room which makes me nervous that we may actually make it to a place where we get offers but nothing will come of it when they low ball us and we go back to them with basically the same amount we're asking for.

Truly though, not just saying it, in the back of my mind a song my Mother-in-Law sings the babies "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do" rattles around in the back of my mind. I know with 100% certainty that if it's God's will we be able to move home we will. I'm equally fearful that His will is that we stay longer and my heart won't be changed to accept the direction for our family. "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do."

Our realtor sent over a stager to help us prepare the house to re-list and she had some pretty fantastic and overwhelming suggestions. Mostly a lot of painting in the main three rooms you see when you walk in our house. I really like her suggestions too, just makes me want to uproot the house to Colorful Colorado all the more. Conveniently I'm not going to be able to help with any painting since I'm pregnant so, once again, it all falls on Justin's shoulders. ((sorry J!)) Instead I'm going to drive down to Nashville this weekend with the babies to get out of the house and give Justin free reign and four days to get the painting done. I'm really excited for the excuse to visit Emily and am confident the change of scenery will help eliminate our cabin fever.

So, for now, I remain overwhelmed but encouraged.

Happy Trails to You

Today was officially my last day of work - I was assisting on events as needed as my boss is looking for a replacement - so I sent out the officical "goodbye" email. I considered not sharing on my blog because I didn't want it to seem insincere, but it's a memory for me. So here goes...

"I know I’ve sort of kind of been gone already for a month, but as I’m finally officially leaving I couldn’t very well leave without emailing any sort of goodbye. Although I know I’ve made the right choice, and I’m blessed and excited to have time to spend with my babies, this change and transition is intimidating as all hell and I know that I’ll miss this place. I can’t do individual thank yous, because it will wreck me (and conveniently nobody is actually here today) so I wanted to sum it up in a way that will likely not make sense to anyone… but here’s hoping:

It was a pretty fantastic thing when a line from my favorite movie was mentioned in one of my favorite TV show years ago. Young Dawson was troubled because there were too many changes coming up and it was intimidating, so his girlfriend explains that the part everyone remembers about the Wizard of Oz doesn’t resonate with the rest of the movie. Everyone remembers the line “there’s no place like home” but forgets that home is a gray, dust-bowl of a place where an old lady was trying to kill your dog. Oz on the other hand is Technicolor and along the way you make friends. There are these people you never knew existed growing up. Straw people, tin people and lions – and throughout the shared journey you help each other realize that the things you want to be, you already are.

I basically just moved to Cleveland when I got this job, and like the chapter now before me, it was intimidating. But I made friends… so, thank you for being my straw people, tin people and lions. Working for the Cavaliers has been phenomenal opportunity – but I know the reason I loved this job so much wasn’t the day to day but the people who filled it. Please keep in touch, I plan to."

Me and Mama Brady

It’s been a week now since I’ve made one of the bigger decisions I’ve made to date… a choice that will affect every member of our little family. It was a pretty tough choice to make, one that I’m still secretly nervous may not end up being entirely the right choice for me personally, but I’m completely certain is the best option for my family, so ultimately it was a decision I’m happy to make. Starting November 18th I will officially be a stay at home mom.

I know this is a dream for many women to be in a place where they can afford to live on one income – we will certainly be cutting back, but thankfully are able to live solely on Justin’s salary – but personally, being a working mom has always been a pretty great dynamic for me. I worked extremely hard to make sure I could achieve my goal to work in sports and entertainment… an opportunity I knew would be hard to come by. I chased down a competitive internship at USA Basketball and applied relentlessly until my resume was finally picked up by the Cleveland Cavaliers. I landed my dream job when I was just 23 years-old and have been incredibly blessed by the opportunities I’ve had here. That’s what makes this hardest, I’ve really enjoyed what I do – and challenged myself to grow a entry level position of a coordinator to a manager.

All that said, I’m not lost under rose-colored glasses. The pay in sports is hardly anything to write home about (believe me, the professional athletes make the dollar bills, not the team behind the team – not that the Cavs are unfair, it’s like this across the board until you’re really high up and I’m not at a place where I want to dedicate myself to climbing the corporate ladder). So when you’re paying to put two kids in day care fulltime, it’s practically a wash. The hours are anything but traditional or consistent during the season, and I had it better than most.

A couple weeks ago I worked 50 hours by the end of the day on Thursday and I still had all of Friday and a quick trip back to work for a couple hours over the weekend. It was clear that it was too much for me at this point. Justin’s off work for over an hour before I get home every day as it is, so tag on the nights and early mornings I’d have to work and I can literally go days without seeing my babies for more than a kiss goodnight. These years are too short to continue down this road.

I’m not sure this is my future as a stay-at-home. I hope in the next couple years I’ll go back to school for a masters in counseling so I’ll have the same hours as my kids, and I can use some of the gifts God’s given me in an area I’ve felt called to since high school. I’m more than nervous that I’m never going to find a good network of other moms in Cleveland… I have this fear that all that’s out there are teacher-sweater moms (the ones that wear sweater vests with appliqués and poms way prematurely) and that finding new relatable mommy friends will be harder to find than a husband, but I’m up for the challenge. Not succeeding at this is simply not an option.

I am restless

Rarely do I win contests or prizes or giveaways – more often than not I’m the 1 of X,XXX that gets hit by a semi-truck twice or has been on not one, but two planes that were grounded for basically falling apart in flight and a fire truck followed them on the runway to the airport. I won’t win a free car, but I will be one of three that suffers a miscarriage. Turned heavy quickly, sorry. It usually does.

For years I’ve struggled with this ridiculous concept of being content. I can list every reason I have to be blessed – and I’m telling you that list is long but that pesky horizon is always in the distance and I want to know NOW what’s waiting with it. I’m simply not interested in patience. As you can imagine my time spent in prayer (or extremely unfortunately, it’s far too long been a life without it) is much the same. I can’t be still or silent. I can’t quiet my head or my heart enough to just BE with Him. I am restless in every way, in every aspect of my life. I. am. not. still.

A few months ago I entered to win Audrey Assad’s new CD ‘The House You’re Building’ from my friend Jenn and actually won! I can’t tell you how excited I was about it, not only because for once I actually won something, but because I am always on the lookout for a new Christian artist’s CD I can wear out at work and on my drive to work. I can’t recommend her album enough – I love every song on it. There’s one in particular that stops me every time and is an automatic repeat. The first time I heard it on the drive to work I was in tears because I feel like she looked into my heart and was able to say what I’ve been unable put together with an effectively simple plea that’s been on my lips for years.

So, at a point in my life where I feel lost and confused and frustrated because doors are constantly being opened and closed and windows cracked just enough to consider, and I just want direction and concrete answers instead of a revolving door, I’m going to take five minutes every day and sit still in my room with this song in my headphones and rest in Him and trust in Him. He has never forsaken me and will guard my heart if I can manage to give it to Him. Lord, still my heart. Hold me close. Without you I am hopeless. Show me who you are.

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You

Be still and know that I am God. –Psalm 46:10

meu irmão

Over the last few years I have become especially grateful for my brother-in-law Alex. When this 6'7" Brazilian gentle giant married my sister Andrea three years ago she and I had a... difficult relationship. Things have since smoothed over between us, in part I believe, to Alex. Not once did I feel judgement or disapproval as as we mended bridges. He and Justin kept an appropriate distance and didn't hold it against us for hurting each other in the past. Alex and I have developed a friendship and he's more like family to me than some of, well, my family. When he answers my calls he greets me not by name, but as "sister" and I can't remember the last time I answered his call by anything by "brother".

Recently I received some sad news from Andrea - Alex's mom passed away at the beginning of the week and they were on their way to Brazil for the funeral. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to meet her, she was unable to attend their wedding, but I sort of feel like I knew her if for no other reason than knowing her son.

I know she must have been kind because Alex is quite literally one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure to know. He seems to have this outlook on life that I'm envious of. I know he's been stressed and I've seen him angry, but I've never seen him mean - he keeps it all in perspective. He's extremely generous and gracious and good.

I know she must have been loving because Alex loves fiercely, especially when it comes to his family. I so admire how protective he is of my sister and has an obvious desire to protect her and provide for her. In the little bit that I get to spend time with their whole family, I've seen how proud he is of his children in the way he interacts with them... his smile beaming and infectious.

I know she must have known Jesus because Alex has faith and wants to be a Spiritual Leader to Andrea, Lili and Isaiah. He's heard and heeds the call to be Christ-like. He believes in people and emulates instruction to love others as Christ loves us.

So, while I may not have met his mom, I'm extremely grateful for her and for the son she raised and the husband he is for my sister and the father he is to my niece and nephew and the brother he's become to me and Justin. I love you Alex, and am keeping your family in my prayers.

Nose to the Grindstone

Something’s come over me, I’m turning into a crazy lady. I don’t recognize this person that starts to sweat a little when she pulls up to day care. My first day back at work was Monday, but since Bella’s been out of day care for three months, and will be going back in a different classroom, she went for a couple half days as a “transition”. I was nervous about her panicking and being clingy when I dropped her off since she’s been home with me so long and it turned out to be one of the few times I was nervous for good reason.

The first day she was hugging my leg and I had to walk with what had to look like the world’s worst limp as I literally dragged my leg and Bella into the playroom. She was timid for a bit but as soon as she saw the slide she seemingly forgot who I was and I was able to slip out without any big fuss, tears or major meltdown. Again, that was the first day. The next couple days I was walking with a different kind of limp, one that was more of a balancing act because Bella had to be held, she apparently lost all ability to walk. I had to walk upstairs with Bella perched precariously on my left hip while Austin swung in his car seat in my right arm. not an easy feat.

I still choke up a little when I think of the new classroom she’s in… because it’s summer and their toddler registration isn’t high (a lot of teachers keeping their kids home with them I’m guessing) she’s moving up another classroom and is now in the room for three year-olds. There’s a big difference between two and three… they were all going about their business like little people. My baby really isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a toddler – a person. what the heck?!

Dreams that Monday morning would go smoothly were quickly dashed as soon as we pulled up to the building and Bella realized she was going back to school (yes I call it school, what good mother doesn’t send her daughter to school?!). She started crying before I even got her out of the car and didn’t cease fire until I had her in their room, at which point crying turned into screaming. bloody murder. She was completely hysterical, something she’s never really done before. She was screaming so bad, I had to scold her to stop and take deep breaths. The last thing I did with her before leaving her was scold her (feel my heart breaking a little at this thought).

Austin was a cheerful baby as per usual, being a total champ through the whole ordeal. His teacher held him happily while I told her the few secrets needed to keep him his charming self and I didn’t realize I kept brushing his arm and kissing his cheek until she asked if I’d like to hug him goodbye. The second he was in my arms the tears crept up and despite my best efforts, they fell down my face as I gave him one final kiss goodbye for the day. I didn’t see that coming at all because I didn’t cry when I dropped off Bella when she was an infant on her first day… plus, it was kind of humiliating because even wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hate when people see me cry.

On my way out of the building I snuck by Bell’s class to see if she had calmed down at all only to see her sitting by herself against the wall, pacifier in mouth and tears welled watching the other kids playing and laughing (feel my heart breaking again - probably in half). I sat in my car and gathered myself, only to lose it as soon as I turned out of the parking lot for the drive into work. I’m actually a little flabbergasted what the heck is going on, I truly enjoy being a working mom. I know that I’m not going to be at my best for my kids as a stay-at-home, because I don’t have the network here not to lose my mind a little.

This wasn't the plan, but much of my life doesn't go according to plan. The controller that I am always has a backup plan, at least a Plan B and it's not uncommon for a Plan C to be tucked in my back pocket. This time, however, I decided to forgo any backup plan... I figured if I didn't have a backup then surely I'd get my first choice and the Rocky Mountains would be more than a photograph on our wall. foolish. The final two weeks of maternity leave consisted of frantically confirming day care, looking for work clothes that fit and trying to get my baby brain to focus a little. Stupid Plan B, why do you always win?? It's really not all bad not getting my way - it's been really nice to see my friends (who have become like family) at work and even if it's in the form of a press release, I'm happy to be writing again. So, if life mirrored the script I've got running in my head it would be panning out a little differently, but I'm determined to make the best of it (at least I tell myself I am in hopes my head wins over my heart this time).

early arrival? or TBD?

Okay, so nearly 24 hours later and I’m no less overwhelmed, but have to update with a quick thank you to all of you who immediately emailed, called or text to give words of encouragement and empathy assuring me I’m not the only one that feels this way sometimes. It’s just a rut I know, but I’ve been stuck here for awhile and need to be more aggressive to get myself out of this.

I do want to give an update on B2’s upcoming arrival – at my OB appointment we talked about a date to induce if he doesn’t come on his own, but I would be surprised if I made it more than another week… I think he’s ready! I’m already dilated 2.5 cm and 50% effaced and have contractions every day (just not close enough together to actually cause alarm). He’s dropped and I look like I’m carrying a watermelon under my shirt, no cute basketball anymore.

two weeks ago at 36 weeks

QUICK STORY: not even kidding when I was working at a Cavs game this week I was doing the sideshuffle through a row of empty seats during pregame and this lady in the row in front of me leans backwards to stretch out of nowhere and I completely hit her across the head with my stomach! She turned around to apologize but couldn’t get the words out when she realized what I had clearly hit her with… her eyes got really big and horrified, it was hilarious!

My doctor started going through the signs of labor with me and I realized I have no idea at all what to do. I know I’ve done this before, but I had an idea the whole time that Bell was going to be late, my body wasn’t cooperating and I accepted she was going to make her arrival on a day scheduled by the doctor. Not this guy, I think he’s going to do it on his own, which means I’m going to be in labor on my own, I won’t be at the hospital the whole time with nurses checking on me and explaining everything to me. How completely terrifying is that?! BUT – D Day, should I make it that far, is scheduled for Friday, March 19th – that’s nine days way folks. NINE! That means tomorrow it’s only eight days, and then seven. I’m not sure if you noticed the trend (and it’s not just that I’m phenomenal at math) but those are single digits!

YES mom, I realize that women are delivering babies in shambles in Chile and Haiti right now and women even did it on the Oregon Trail (but I played the game and they only mostly survive) I’m not downplaying the severity for others, but I'm panicking all the same!

A welcomed opportunity - something I can control and plan for: I’ve started putting my hospital bag together just in case and plan on finishing tonight, I’ve got Plans A and B in place for someone to take care of Bella, and I know what we’re bringing for Baby Boy, I just need to get it all put together. Justin, however, is pretty confident all he needs for the hospital is a bag of Oreos and a tshirt. He also packed a DVD player and watched the movie 300 last time… such a boy. He seems to think his new task for this year would be to find a movie as gory as 300 to usher in another beautiful miracle of life. I’m a lucky woman. haha!

opening the floodgates

I’m going to let yall in on a little secret – I’m kind of a little bit of a liar. maybe just a poser. Specifically, take my blog header: Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next… delicious ambiguity.” yeah. frickin. right.

I can’t tell you how far I am from loving the unknown and being excited to be in a whirlwind. I used to be there, I really was! I moved away from my entire family to go to college 2,000 miles away all by myself and was thrilled for the opportunity to strike out on my own and see what happened. It was terrifying, but the thought of not just taking the small step off the ledge into the unknown was scarier. I’m not sure what happened but I’m not that girl anymore, she’s lost somewhere.

I feel like every single aspect of my life is completely up in the air right now and I can’t handle it, at least not as well as I’d like. It’s not exciting, it’s annoying. I’m not trying to be all debbie downer but there’s opportunity for our lives to be shifted significantly in the next three or four months and instead of enjoying the ride until we get there, I really want a crystal ball just for a glimpse of what life entails in July. I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for thinking that way, not taking in every moment, finding joy or having faith.

We met with a realtor today to talk about selling the house, I had an appointment with my OB and picked a day to induce if he doesn’t make his appearance on his own, we figured finances for day care and if it may or may not work for me to work or try being a stay-at-home mom.

And if it’s God’s will to stay put and status quo will he magically give me the strength and community and network I need to not lose my identity? I think that’s my greatest fear, will I ever feel like “me” again? Bad mother of the year award = me. but it’s a real concern and I’m sick of going through the motions in so many aspects of my life and I’m starting with losing insincerity. In addition to all the unknown I don’t know how I’m going to do as a mother of two… this is the one thing that means the most to me, to do this well and I’m not sure what I’m doing. The most important thing and I don’t know what to do. and I hate not knowing. There’s not one thing delicious about that.

I’m really tempted to throw in a disclaimer that I’m not a horrible person or incapable of being excited and seeing the blessings for what they are in the upcoming month, but there are some other things weighing down my heart a little that I can’t share to avoid airing dirty laundry that isn’t mine. but like I said, no more motions as best as I can help it. here’s to seeing clearly soon, I need to get rid of the fog.

grab coffee, it's a long one

There have been a few things I’ve been meaning to write about (how many of my posts start like that? too many I’m sure…) and never find time to do it. not that there’s not time to do it, it just never happens. very disappointing. SO here’s my life in bullet point:

· Bella is growing so quickly (real observant I know) and I’m left feeling like I can’t figure out a way to really savor every day because we’re just making it through one day at a time... and now she’s nine months old. AUGH! Two weeks ago she got bumped from one classroom at church to another because she’s a crawler… they could break it to a new mom a little more gently than a sudden, she’s too old for this classroom and will be graduating high school and moving out and getting married in no time! (okay, maybe it wasn’t quite like that, but that’s what I heard!) Needless to say – tears! I’ve been taking advantage of sales for new summer clothing lines, and learned quickly in Target that she’s no longer in the infant section (there’s basically zero selection even for 9-12 months) and we have to buy clothes from the toddler racks. TODDLER?! I started breathing harder as I blindly piled clothes into the cart (Justin loved that) and walked away clutching my baby a little too tightly. She also has seven teeth now, eats cheerios and is really showing her personality – particularly when she’s crabby. not fun for anyone. I was talking with a girlfriend and realized I’m going to have to start really thinking about my parenting style because even though I’ve been a parent, I haven’t really had to parent, whatever sense that makes. Now that she’s swinging at me and throwing fits for no reason (I thought that didn’t happen until she was two?!) we need to figure out how to respond to it. me crying in the corner isn’t going to work much longer. ha!

· My parents bought tickets to come out for Bella’s birthday and Andrea just bought tickets for her and Lili to come out as well – it’s still over two months away but I’m SO excited to have everyone here to celebrate her day!! I’m a huge nerd and am already thinking about what theme her party will be but football and basketball games seem to be what best holds her attention at this point and I can’t picture her blowing her candle off a basketball cake. oh my.

· We’ve been talking more and more seriously about trying to sell our house and make the move back to Colorado – I can’t even explain how nervous I am to go back, but I the network that I need, especially in this new role of mom, is there… the market here is SO depressing though. Justin showed me that there are four houses within five miles of our house that have foreclosed and are listed for under 100k, which does no favors for us. Plus, he was always confident he’d be able to get a job wherever we moved, so selling the house was going to be the biggest hardship; now with the sweet economy the way it is, we’re not sure if the job or house will be the stumbling block. I’m not sure how to go at this anyway but blindfolded and have faith that it will work out if it’s supposed to. fingers crossed…

· Justin and I were encouraged by our small group leader to participate in Lent this year and have taken the challenge – no, we’re not Catholic, but I really like the approach to it: this is borrowed by Mike - sorry dude, I figure if the Pastor can use it I can too – The Lenten season is a 40 day period of time many Christians spend in contemplation of Christ's sacrificial death for us, as well as our own areas of sin, seeking the gift of repentance. You've probably heard of people giving things up for Lent, and I think that in general it is a good thing to do. A few things to consider fasting: TV, movies, non-Christian books, food, alcohol, the internet (except as needed for work), etc. Certainly things you think can get in the way of your relationship with God are good things to put aside for a season. A fast is usually only good if you replace it with something better - so if you ditch the TV, replace that hour with Bible reading and prayer. If you fast food for certain days, use the tummy rumblings as a reminder throughout the day to throw up prayers for yourself and others. Be serious about it - if you're going to not watch TV, for example, unplug the stupid things in your house and turn 'em backwards if you have to. so Justin’s not drinking alcohol and I’m not drinking Dr. Pepper and we’re both keeping the TV turned off until 9:00 p.m., which is pretty huge for us because we watch far too much TV. It’s been pretty cool so far actually because Bella’s in bed by 8:00 and so we have that hour to just the two of us. In the future we want to take that time to do our bible studies, have dinner together, get our house ready to put on the market and just enjoy the time together. So far I’ve fallen asleep before 8:30 (had to be the lack of Dr. Pepper) and the other night watched the Cavs game (it IS work technically!). TMI WARNING – we were talking about what we could give up for 40 days, and Justin slyly suggested I give up abstinence. HA! crap…

Good Tidings of Great Joy

I’m finally figuring it out – it only took 26 years, no big deal. Actually, I guess I’m finally really figuring it out, I’ve known the true Christmas story (sugarplums dancing in heads and Dasher and Dancer not in the picture) for as long as I can remember. BEFORE I can remember even – I played baby Jesus when I was six months old and Mary whacked my head on the wall when she was walking out for a scene. They don’t lie, it’s not easy being Jesus! (hope I’m not condemned for that one, crap.)

For real serious though, my church has been doing a series called Advent Conspiracy – this charge to Give More, Spend Less and Worship Fully. I’m going to be using all my notes from one particular service (Give More) partly so I have it to read over and over later, and partly because it really struck a chord and I want to share. Our pastor was in the middle of the sermon, explaining we are called to give more by giving things up. (John 1:14 – And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth)

The picture he painted to help the congregation grasp just what Jesus gave up and left to come to Earth I pray will always stick with me, especially during this time of year. He asked everyone to think of their happiest moment (lounging on the beach, taking in the view from a hike, etc. mine was probably when I held Bella the first time – it was surreal) so you think of your happiest moment and label it A. then think of your worst moment, the one you may hide and not share with people or the one that’s so painful you tuck it deep away and hide the key – that moment is labeled B. He said to multiply those moments by infinity and magnify it by eternity, and then you have Christmas.

Jesus left his A – the best place imaginable, heaven, where he was worshipped and it was peaceful and he sat next to his Father, for B – to be born in a stable and laid in a manger where cows had licked the troth. He left A and he came to B. He was God and He became a human being – our pastor explained it was the creator becoming the creation. for me.

Then he told a story he heard about a missionary who was leaving to go home and one of her students went missing for days, when he finally came back he presented her with a beautiful shell necklace and she knew he must have made the days-walk to the sea to get the shell. She insisted it was too much, that he shouldn't have gone so far, and she couldn’t accept it, to which this boy’s eyes shown as he explained the long walk was part of the gift. Jesus took the long walk, from A to B to become Christ. for me. for us. He left His best for my worst.

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so loved and precious as I do when I consider this and really try to wrap my head around it. So, as Charlie Brown and simple as this may sound, my Christmas wish this year is that everyone could experience this feeling and understand and love our God for making the journey.

A better and more broad explanation of the Advent Conspiracy:

My church (with Pastor Rick’s messages available if anyone’s interested): cvconline.org

a goodbye of sorts

I feel like I start so many of my posts with "I've been meaning to post about this for awhile..." and it's always true. Even this post I don't quite feel like I'm ready to write, but know that if I wait for the photos I wanted to include or the perfect way to write what I want to convey, it will likely never get done - which just isn't an option for this one.

I wish I could remember my first memory of my Grandpa Woody, but I can't. I wish I had a favorite memory, but I'm not sure I do. I wish I had a closer relationship with him if for no other reason than he was such an intricate part of my California family, and now I don't have the chance. My grandma's second husband, Woody, passed a way a couple weeks ago. I didn't know him very well, my family only made it to California about once every four years when I was younger, and I can't remember him ever making it out to Colorado when Grandma would visit. When we did go to California he mostly stayed to himself and never went on the trips we'd take to Disneyland or the beach. He was always patient when my family of six invaded their small house, but he was always quiet and kind.

I do remember one year specifically when my family went to California for Christmas. One of our traditions is to go to breakfast on Christmas Eve, as we were all gearing up to head out, Grandpa Woody got out of his comfy recliner and walked toward the door announcing he was going to join us. I'm not entirely sure why, but I remember it meaning a lot to all of us. When we finally got to breakfast, he insisted on paying, which again, for whatever reason was extra special. Maybe that's my favorite memory because for that morning, we felt like part of the California family.

I almost always call my Grandma once a week, and Grandpa Woody almost always answered. We'd talk about the weather (sunny Cali, there was rarely any change) and briefly what I've been up to and finally how crazy Grandma was for going out square dancing-again. Usually our conversations were brief, only lasting 2-3 minutes, but the last time I remember talking to him he kept me on the phone. He asked me a lot about my pregnancy and mine and Justin's plans, and before we hung up he said "I love you" which is literally the only time I can remember exchanging that phrase with each other. So I don't have the memories and I can't claim to have had a deep or incredibly meaningful relationship with him, but he'll certainly be missed and I'll always be grateful for how he helped take care of my Grandma and supported my cousins and aunts.