I am restless

Rarely do I win contests or prizes or giveaways – more often than not I’m the 1 of X,XXX that gets hit by a semi-truck twice or has been on not one, but two planes that were grounded for basically falling apart in flight and a fire truck followed them on the runway to the airport. I won’t win a free car, but I will be one of three that suffers a miscarriage. Turned heavy quickly, sorry. It usually does.

For years I’ve struggled with this ridiculous concept of being content. I can list every reason I have to be blessed – and I’m telling you that list is long but that pesky horizon is always in the distance and I want to know NOW what’s waiting with it. I’m simply not interested in patience. As you can imagine my time spent in prayer (or extremely unfortunately, it’s far too long been a life without it) is much the same. I can’t be still or silent. I can’t quiet my head or my heart enough to just BE with Him. I am restless in every way, in every aspect of my life. I. am. not. still.

A few months ago I entered to win Audrey Assad’s new CD ‘The House You’re Building’ from my friend Jenn and actually won! I can’t tell you how excited I was about it, not only because for once I actually won something, but because I am always on the lookout for a new Christian artist’s CD I can wear out at work and on my drive to work. I can’t recommend her album enough – I love every song on it. There’s one in particular that stops me every time and is an automatic repeat. The first time I heard it on the drive to work I was in tears because I feel like she looked into my heart and was able to say what I’ve been unable put together with an effectively simple plea that’s been on my lips for years.

So, at a point in my life where I feel lost and confused and frustrated because doors are constantly being opened and closed and windows cracked just enough to consider, and I just want direction and concrete answers instead of a revolving door, I’m going to take five minutes every day and sit still in my room with this song in my headphones and rest in Him and trust in Him. He has never forsaken me and will guard my heart if I can manage to give it to Him. Lord, still my heart. Hold me close. Without you I am hopeless. Show me who you are.

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You

Be still and know that I am God. –Psalm 46:10

Preach on Sister Friend!

We were watching Scrubs tonight (even with the spin off and not as good as the original... it's still the most underrated show in the universe) and JD was trying to have a little "happy" with Elliot while she's pregnant - without looking up from her Chinese takeout she cuts him off with

"Lets just avoid the breast region, they’re big but they are not for touching, too sore. And lets avoid the thighs, they sort of are like memory foam, they leave a hand print, and I have the elbows of a 75 year-old man."

...and while that's too much information land for most, I find it hilarious! I was laughing so hard and just absolutely have to share! Love this show. seriously.

The Sentiment is Mine

So I'm not a songwriter (or a singer - except in the shower, and then in addition to all my thinking, I'm a pretty phenomenal singer. must be the acoustics... ha!) but I'm pretty sure if I could write a song - it may not be that far off from this one:

I Wish by Point of Grace

I wish I didn’t feel so helpless
I wish I didn’t act so selfish
I wish I didn’t wring my hands night and day
My hair was a little bit smoother
My jeans fit a little bit looser
And I always knew the right things to say
And I wish I wouldn’t hide what’s been going on inside
And I wish you wouldn’t get scared and run away

I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold ‘em and to love ‘em
The way I’m always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

I wish there was a cure for cancer
I wish somebody had an answer
And all God’s children, never got hurt
I wish Eve never bit that apple
Young men never went to battle
And I didn’t get so mad at the world
I wish I was more like Jesus
And could pick up all the pieces
And make a better life for my baby girl

I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold ‘em and to love ‘em
The way I’m always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

For everything I am wishing
I know someone up there is listening
So, I say my prayers when I go to bed
Pray my wishes come true

I know wishes come true.

Good Tidings of Great Joy

I’m finally figuring it out – it only took 26 years, no big deal. Actually, I guess I’m finally really figuring it out, I’ve known the true Christmas story (sugarplums dancing in heads and Dasher and Dancer not in the picture) for as long as I can remember. BEFORE I can remember even – I played baby Jesus when I was six months old and Mary whacked my head on the wall when she was walking out for a scene. They don’t lie, it’s not easy being Jesus! (hope I’m not condemned for that one, crap.)

For real serious though, my church has been doing a series called Advent Conspiracy – this charge to Give More, Spend Less and Worship Fully. I’m going to be using all my notes from one particular service (Give More) partly so I have it to read over and over later, and partly because it really struck a chord and I want to share. Our pastor was in the middle of the sermon, explaining we are called to give more by giving things up. (John 1:14 – And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth)

The picture he painted to help the congregation grasp just what Jesus gave up and left to come to Earth I pray will always stick with me, especially during this time of year. He asked everyone to think of their happiest moment (lounging on the beach, taking in the view from a hike, etc. mine was probably when I held Bella the first time – it was surreal) so you think of your happiest moment and label it A. then think of your worst moment, the one you may hide and not share with people or the one that’s so painful you tuck it deep away and hide the key – that moment is labeled B. He said to multiply those moments by infinity and magnify it by eternity, and then you have Christmas.

Jesus left his A – the best place imaginable, heaven, where he was worshipped and it was peaceful and he sat next to his Father, for B – to be born in a stable and laid in a manger where cows had licked the troth. He left A and he came to B. He was God and He became a human being – our pastor explained it was the creator becoming the creation. for me.

Then he told a story he heard about a missionary who was leaving to go home and one of her students went missing for days, when he finally came back he presented her with a beautiful shell necklace and she knew he must have made the days-walk to the sea to get the shell. She insisted it was too much, that he shouldn't have gone so far, and she couldn’t accept it, to which this boy’s eyes shown as he explained the long walk was part of the gift. Jesus took the long walk, from A to B to become Christ. for me. for us. He left His best for my worst.

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so loved and precious as I do when I consider this and really try to wrap my head around it. So, as Charlie Brown and simple as this may sound, my Christmas wish this year is that everyone could experience this feeling and understand and love our God for making the journey.

A better and more broad explanation of the Advent Conspiracy:

My church (with Pastor Rick’s messages available if anyone’s interested): cvconline.org

soundtrack of my life

I’m sure some people’s life soundtracks are considerably cooler than mine – it’d be some ancient rock band that’s just recently appearing on worn vintage tshirts for sale in department stores. It’d be the kind of music that very few people really “get”, except conveniently for the he and she in a romantic comedy who are so obviously destined to be together. One of the reoccurring names on the soundtrack to my life is Michael W. Smith.

One of my favorite roles in the choir performances at church when I was in middle school was based around one of his songs (I was no better at singing then than I am now, but my dad worked with the youth group and I think the pastor had pity on me, ha!) and I’m familiar with all his synthesizer praise music from the 90s from church and my parents stereo. As long as I can remember, I’ve known his music.

He was one of my very first concert experiences when my dad brought us to Praise in the Rockies. I saw him in 1996 when my youth group traveled to California for a youth conference called DC/LA and in 10th grade when I was asked to write about an influential person, my essay was about him. It was the first time I can remember I was made fun of for my beliefs.

When Columbine happened just 40 minutes from my high school and I was walking through the hallway weary of the students who still wore trench coats I found comfort in the song he wrote for the girl who answered a sweet and simple “yes” to her belief in God before she was killed. The album he released the year I graduated was on constant replay, and my parents used one of the songs in the senior video they played at my graduation party.

His instrumental CD “Freedom” was the only thing I could listen to while studying all four years of college – and it never got old. The first time Justin and I ever slow danced happened to be to one of his songs, and we danced to it again for the first time as man and wife. I used three of his songs on “Freedom” during my wedding procession as the candle lighters set the ambiance for the ceremony and parents and grandparents were seated. It could not have been more perfect. I had this CD in the background during the ridiculously long labor day with Bella – it’s what she was welcomed into this world with.

One of the CDs we play for Bella to fall asleep was a gift for her baby shower and lulls her to sleep with instrumental versions of all his best singles. The best part of opening this present is this is literally the first time I’ve ever really told people how much of an influence his music has had in my life – in the background, once again, it was just there.

My favorite holiday, without a doubt, is Christmas and ever since the first Christmas season we spent together dating, Justin takes me to some kind of Christmas concert. We’ve seen the Nutcracker, the Christmas Story and this year we saw Michael W. Smith’s Christmas concert with music from the CD he released last year. It was much simpler than the concerts I’m used to from my job, but it was simple and intimate and I loved it. He sat and played at the piano for most of it and although it had his hokie parts (as most of his albums have) it was awesome – and Bella’s first concert. She sat in our laps and rocked back and forth with this huge smile until she finally fell asleep.

SO, I know it’s not incredibly impressive or cool, but it’s surprisingly meaningful and mine.

In My Arms

A song I came across on a fellow blogger's page and have fallen in love with it... not only doess she have an amazing sound and a phenomenal voice. This particular song I feel like, at least starts in some way to explain the incredibly fierce love I have for Baby Girl.

In My Arms - Plumb

your baby blues so full of wonder

your curley cues your contagious smile

and as I watch you start to grow up

all I can do is hold you tight knowing

clouds will rage and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

story books are full of fairy tales

of kings and queens and the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

you'll someday see the truth from lies

when the clouds will rage and storms will race in

but you will be safe in my arms

rains will pour down waves will crash all around

but you will be safe in my arms

Castles, they might crumble

dreams may not come true

but you are never all alone

'cause I will always always love you

this about sums it up

"...I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps" -Juno MacGuff