opening the floodgates

I’m going to let yall in on a little secret – I’m kind of a little bit of a liar. maybe just a poser. Specifically, take my blog header: Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next… delicious ambiguity.” yeah. frickin. right.

I can’t tell you how far I am from loving the unknown and being excited to be in a whirlwind. I used to be there, I really was! I moved away from my entire family to go to college 2,000 miles away all by myself and was thrilled for the opportunity to strike out on my own and see what happened. It was terrifying, but the thought of not just taking the small step off the ledge into the unknown was scarier. I’m not sure what happened but I’m not that girl anymore, she’s lost somewhere.

I feel like every single aspect of my life is completely up in the air right now and I can’t handle it, at least not as well as I’d like. It’s not exciting, it’s annoying. I’m not trying to be all debbie downer but there’s opportunity for our lives to be shifted significantly in the next three or four months and instead of enjoying the ride until we get there, I really want a crystal ball just for a glimpse of what life entails in July. I’m incredibly disappointed in myself for thinking that way, not taking in every moment, finding joy or having faith.

We met with a realtor today to talk about selling the house, I had an appointment with my OB and picked a day to induce if he doesn’t make his appearance on his own, we figured finances for day care and if it may or may not work for me to work or try being a stay-at-home mom.

And if it’s God’s will to stay put and status quo will he magically give me the strength and community and network I need to not lose my identity? I think that’s my greatest fear, will I ever feel like “me” again? Bad mother of the year award = me. but it’s a real concern and I’m sick of going through the motions in so many aspects of my life and I’m starting with losing insincerity. In addition to all the unknown I don’t know how I’m going to do as a mother of two… this is the one thing that means the most to me, to do this well and I’m not sure what I’m doing. The most important thing and I don’t know what to do. and I hate not knowing. There’s not one thing delicious about that.

I’m really tempted to throw in a disclaimer that I’m not a horrible person or incapable of being excited and seeing the blessings for what they are in the upcoming month, but there are some other things weighing down my heart a little that I can’t share to avoid airing dirty laundry that isn’t mine. but like I said, no more motions as best as I can help it. here’s to seeing clearly soon, I need to get rid of the fog.