Miss Layla Grace

Baby’s birth announcement is long overdue, she’s three weeks old now and I’ve got no bragging on my blog. It’s simply unacceptable because she’s completely amazing. So with no further ado (there actually will be more following the picture, but it sounded right) I give you Miss Layla Grace –

Because the placenta previa went away I didn’t have to have a c-section but we still planned to be induced because the majority of my help post-baby and with the two Littles at home, was coming from Colorado in the form of my mom and sister. It was certainly not an easy task to get them here in time. First, they had to change their tickets after the c-section was canceled and then there was serious stress if they’d make it in time because I was dilated 3 cm with two weeks to go and Andrea was cutting it close, not coming until 12 hours before I was set to go to the hospital. I made sure not to even sneeze to make sure Baby would stay cooking until my family arrived.

When the day finally came we made an early start to the hospital and I was sure we’d meet Baby before noon since I was already so far dilated and they say the more children you have the faster labor goes… no dice. It was still a relatively quick day since my doctor is a Rock Star and likes to kick up the pitocin every time she came in the room, but I was anxious throughout the day anyway and the nurses seemed to be moving so slowly. The hospital was on day two using a new computer system and since my nurse was practically archaic with her computer skills, it was an extra long day and I was ready to take part and actually DO something and participate in bringing Baby here.

After the epidural (and I basically washed the med student’s feet with my tears straight biblical style) I asked my OB to check me because even though the nurse said I wasn’t contracting enough, I was pretty sure things were ready to get started. Justin was about to leave for the cafeteria (again) so he was shocked to be called back because I was at 10 cm and we were ready to go! When she asked me to try pushing, the baby crowned, and everything intensified. Three pushes later, we met our new baby girl! I have to say, the moment of the big gender reveal wasn’t as exciting as I was hoping (the heavens opening, light shining on her, “hallelujah” in the background... the usual.) our doctor did hold her up in what can only explain as the naaaa sevenjaaa moment in the Lion King's Circle of Life. Still, in hindsight I would have rather found out the gender at the midway ultrasound.

Even more surprising than finding out it was a girl (I was pretty sure the entire time that it was another girl) was her extremely dark brown, stick-straight hair. Finally, a child that may look like me! At that point we realized none of the names on our list were very fitting for her, except Layla, and it still took over 24 hours to officially name her. I was stuck on the middle name because I’d always assumed we’d use “Elizabeth” after a dear family friend and my favorite character from a novel and movie (Ms. Bennett from Pride & Prejudice is a serious kind of hero) but again, it just didn’t seem quite perfect anymore.

So I turned to Andrea and asked her to help name Layla. It was special because I wanted her to share in some part of Layla because we were supposed to share much more, so I at least wanted to share my daughter’s name. When I found out I was pregnant, I called Andrea to tell her and in true fashion, she let me go on and on about it before telling me she was also expecting and she was due ONE day before me. We were both ecstatic to be pregnant together and deliver so close together. Unfortunate doesn’t do justice to the feeling when I heard from her husband that she’d miscarried a couple weeks later. Again, true to her nature she was more than happy to come to Cleveland to be in the hospital room with us for Layla’s birth. She chose the perfect name to follow Layla – Grace. It already speaks to the strength in her personality and the fighter I can tell she’s going to be. “The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair” and I see Layla wanting to share that with others. God willing.

30 Things Before I'm 30

A couple months ago I came up with an idea to make up a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30 – it's just a way to keep things interesting (like three kids won't take care of that on their own!) and keep me accountable to some things I've always wanted to do, and just haven't yet. The idea isn't to be a bucket list - there are lots of things I'd like to do including much more travel - but just aren't practical to hit by this milestone.

While most of the things on my list are brand new and still to-do, there are a couple that I've already accomplished, and I'm including those to. I had some big dreams and plans when I graduated high school and am damn proud of what I’ve accomplished in the eleven years since then… so they count. There are a couple things I’ve already done that don’t qualify as proud moments, but were definitely good memories. Plus, it will get me to devote time to write about them.

So, I invite you to join me on this journey and keep me accountable for 22 things to accomplish in 12 months… 30 stories in 365 days.

30 Things to do Before I’m 30

TO DO:
1. run a half marathon
2. get a tattoo
3. learn to play the guitar
4. stop cussing
5. apply to grad school
6. climb a 14er
7. make a pineapple upside-down cake
8. a girls weekend in Las Vegas
9. audition for the Amazing Race
10. write a children’s book, even if it’s just for my kids
11. do 10 random anonymous good deeds for 10 random people
12. find three jobs for Justin to apply for overseas
13. start a company on etsy.com with Andrea
14. finish a devotional front to back
15. read a literary classic
16. take my kids camping
17. pay off a credit card or student loan
18. make a fancy shmancy five course meal complete w/ table settings
19. fire a gun
20. attempt a power hour
21. learn Portuguese well enough to order a meal with Alex
22. attend religious services for two faiths outside my own

DONE:
23. get married
24. have kids
25. graduate college
26. work for a professional sports team
27. go on a mission trip
28. be in a play
29. sneak into a movie after you’ve just seen one
30. have an uncontrollable giggle fit at the most inappropriate moment

Bella's First Concert

Wordless Wednesday

will we stay or will we go now?

I’m not sure how to start this post, so I’m jumping in: Justin got a call out of the blue from a recruiter at a wind energy company in Colorado a couple weeks ago and had a phone interview with a group of executives in England last Thursday. He was told to expect to hear from them Friday or today regarding Round II and an interview in Colorado… now it’s today and we haven’t heard anything. I’m not sure what an anxiety attack feels like, but I feel like this has to be close to it.

Before I’m tagged dramatic – which I know I can be – this position is an answer to prayers across the board in terms of finally relocating back to Colorado, finances, vacation, maintaining awesome health care, a position Justin is legitimately excited about, etc. etc. so to have this golden carrot thrown in front of us out of nowhere and now the insecurity creeping in that he may not get the position and said carrot may be yanked away is just overwhelming.

About a month ago Justin and I were having a conversation and I mentioned how I was pretty content about living in Ohio for another year because there was little movement on our house that’s been for sale for over a year, and it’d been quiet on the job front. Joe (one of J’s best friends from high school) and Molly just moved back a couple weeks ago and they have a daughter a few months older than Austin, and are expecting their second about two months after Baby Gump. We’ve always enjoyed hanging out with them and were pretty stoked about sharing the same area code again. My closest girl friend had just accepted a new job in Cleveland, ensuring she wouldn’t be leaving any time soon, and the high chance that my sister moving from Colorado in the next several months all combined to an acceptance that this may be His plan for us for now – and that was okay.

To feel settled and planning for the near future, then get my hopes up so high and now the fear that a dream opportunity may not happen terrifies me because I’m not sure how I’m going to slip back into a place of contentment. I am so tired of feeling unsettled and feel like I’ll be helpless to it all over again. I know it sounds weak and pathetic. I’m aware and unhappy with myself for feeling it – but that’s honest.

I think possibly the very worst part of this is the clarity it’s giving me to my walk and faith, or lack there of. I know with 100% certainty that God has a plan for our family, and that His plan is better than I can imagine, but from the initial phone call this has felt like every time God directs my life once I’ve finally relented control. My junior year of college when I got a late phone call with an internship opportunity with USA Basketball after not getting multiple internships I’d interviewed for. The phone call from the Cavaliers with an offer for not just a job, but my dream job, in the months that I was working two jobs to contribute. Consistently He provides when I let go.

While at first I was confident, excited and thankful that this was His hand at work again – now the cloud of doubt has grown and I wonder if He’ll allow my heart to break to bring me closer. Or will He allow it to happen because… heartache happens and it’s just not His timing right now. He’s not a manipulative God, a mastermind moving game pieces at His discretion just for fun. But at this point I find myself second guessing and even asking others to pray for us joking that God would see right through me coming to Him for help when I’ve been so quiet lately, but really thinking “just maybe…” ugh, I feel so lame.

The thing is, even in the midst of insecurity, when I can remove the emotion and just think logically (which happens next to never) there’s not one part of me that can wrap my head around him NOT making it to the second round and then after they’ve met him, not hiring him. It’s completely a ludicrous thought. Unfortunately instead I feel like I’m standing in front of a giant wave that, if it hits me, will knock me backward and thrash me around a bit until I can somehow finally figure which way is up and surface for a deep breath.

I probably shouldn’t even share this post – my emotions are elevated, I’m hormonal and I feel like a crazy person. But it’s real and raw and I figure fair game.

so much for scripting

A past post about placenta previa is here with an explanation on what it is exactly and what’s so unnerving about it.

We had another ultrasound a couple weeks ago to see if the placenta had moved away from my cervix. The specialist gave us an 80% chance of everything remaining as is, and guessed that it would likely still be covering the cervix and a c-section necessary. In most cases the placenta will gravitate north as the baby grows and you expand to make room for everything, but that was just not the case for us and the specialist was right.

It has moved a tiny bit – while it was completely covering the cervix, and even into the cervix a bit, it’s moved to only marginally covered as the placenta moved a half a centimeter to the great north. Unfortunately it has to be at least two centimeters from the cervix to be considered clear and good, and it’s still technically securely in place down low. nuts.

I talked to my OB at my most recent appointment to understand better what everything means for planning ahead… because I absolutely have to have a plan. Even living over a thousand miles away my mom hasn’t missed a birth, and Baby Gump is certainly giving us a challenge. Especially considering how heavily I’m going to rely on her to help take care of the Littles while I’m in the hospital, and I know I’m going to want my mommy when I’m recovering from the surgery, I’m up for the challenge. So I present you with Plans A, B and C:

Plan A) we have another ultrasound on August 9th and if the placenta is still in place we schedule an amniocentesis on August 26th to make sure the baby’s lungs, etc. are developed enough for the c-section. If the test results give the okay, we go straight to labor and delivery and baby makes three. I’ll be a day shy of 38 weeks and at first my OB was nervous about allowing me to go that late because of the risk of bleeding if I start dilating. BUT she’s pretty surprised I haven’t bled yet at all, so she’s confident that I can last to nearly 38 weeks. There’s a chance of bed rest if there’s spotting toward the end but as long as there’s nothing too severe, we should be in the clear.

Plan B) we have another ultrasound on August 9th and if the placenta has moved past the two centimeters then everything is a wash and we’ll wait to let Baby come in their own time around the due date of September 10th.

Plan C) we have another ultrasound on August 9th and the placenta is still in place or has moved back to where it was eight weeks ago and the specialist won’t let me wait until the end of the week for the 26th and has me schedule the amnio a week prior or that Monday or Tuesday the 22nd or 23rd. My OB is on vacation then and I’d be way more comfortable with her doing the c-section so I’m hoping that’s not the case, plus then my mom has to try to move up her flight last minute, which would be a headache and I’d imagine hurt the pocketbook.

While it’s exciting to know the potential date that we’ll know this baby but also slightly terrifying because it’s right around the corner now, which is overwhelming. We’ve been starting to move rapid fire now switching rooms around and nesting has completely kicked in. Unfortunately I’ve had a huge problem with the sciatic nerve in both legs (it’s always frickin got to be something, ugh.) which makes it so difficult to walk by the end of every day that I have to wear a belly brace to help carry the weight of Baby and hopefully ease the pain.

It’s also directly put all the stress of physically getting things done squarely on Justin’s shoulders. I can tell he’s likely close to his breaking point with all the pressure he has to carry in supporting our family nearly on his own since I’m just literally not able to help as much as usual. Now we’re trying to settle into new routines with renewed expectations and it will hopefully help release a lot of stress. We’re just exhausted… it’s only going to get easier with three, right?!

a picture six weeks ago at my college roomie's baby shower - wouldn't have pictured this seven years ago! so much fun sharing pregnancies with friends!

this was also the last time I've worn heels this summer... hello swelling. Sweet Moses.