Something’s come over me, I’m turning into a crazy lady. I don’t recognize this person that starts to sweat a little when she pulls up to day care. My first day back at work was Monday, but since Bella’s been out of day care for three months, and will be going back in a different classroom, she went for a couple half days as a “transition”. I was nervous about her panicking and being clingy when I dropped her off since she’s been home with me so long and it turned out to be one of the few times I was nervous for good reason.
The first day she was hugging my leg and I had to walk with what had to look like the world’s worst limp as I literally dragged my leg and Bella into the playroom. She was timid for a bit but as soon as she saw the slide she seemingly forgot who I was and I was able to slip out without any big fuss, tears or major meltdown. Again, that was the first day. The next couple days I was walking with a different kind of limp, one that was more of a balancing act because Bella
had to be held, she apparently lost all ability to walk. I had to walk upstairs with Bella perched precariously on my left hip while Austin swung in his car seat in my right arm. not an easy feat.
I still choke up a little when I think of the new classroom she’s in… because it’s summer and their toddler registration isn’t high (a lot of teachers keeping their kids home with them I’m guessing) she’s moving up another classroom and is now in the room for three year-olds. There’s a big difference between two and three… they were all going about their business like little people. My baby really isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a toddler – a person. what the heck?!
Dreams that Monday morning would go smoothly were quickly dashed as soon as we pulled up to the building and Bella realized she was going back to school (yes I call it school, what good mother doesn’t send her daughter to school?!). She started crying before I even got her out of the car and didn’t cease fire until I had her in their room, at which point crying turned into screaming. bloody murder. She was completely hysterical, something she’s never really done before. She was screaming so bad, I had to scold her to stop and take deep breaths. The last thing I did with her before leaving her was scold her (feel my heart breaking a little at this thought).
Austin was a cheerful baby as per usual, being a total champ through the whole ordeal. His teacher held him happily while I told her the few secrets needed to keep him his charming self and I didn’t realize I kept brushing his arm and kissing his cheek until she asked if I’d like to hug him goodbye. The second he was in my arms the tears crept up and despite my best efforts, they fell down my face as I gave him one final kiss goodbye for the day. I didn’t see that coming at all because I didn’t cry when I dropped off Bella when she was an infant on her first day… plus, it was kind of humiliating because even wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hate when people see me cry.
On my way out of the building I snuck by Bell’s class to see if she had calmed down at all only to see her sitting by herself against the wall, pacifier in mouth and tears welled watching the other kids playing and laughing (feel my heart breaking again - probably in half). I sat in my car and gathered myself, only to lose it as soon as I turned out of the parking lot for the drive into work. I’m actually a little flabbergasted what the heck is going on, I truly enjoy being a working mom. I know that I’m not going to be at my best for my kids as a stay-at-home, because I don’t have the network here not to lose my mind a little.
This wasn't the plan, but much of my life doesn't go according to plan. The controller that I am always has a backup plan, at least a Plan B and it's not uncommon for a Plan C to be tucked in my back pocket. This time, however, I decided to forgo any backup plan... I figured if I didn't have a backup then surely I'd get my first choice and the Rocky Mountains would be more than a photograph on our wall. foolish. The final two weeks of maternity leave consisted of frantically confirming day care, looking for work clothes that fit and trying to get my baby brain to focus a little. Stupid Plan B, why do you always win?? It's really not all bad not getting my way - it's been really nice to see my friends (who have become like family) at work and even if it's in the form of a press release, I'm happy to be writing again. So, if life mirrored the script I've got running in my head it would be panning out a little differently, but I'm determined to make the best of it (at least I tell myself I am in hopes my head wins over my heart this time).
I love, love, love that girl!
